sunny side up

I have been carrying the weight of my dead friend for 14 years. I was in such a rush to get over it when it happened, that I never handled the grief, I just buried it. I think if we don’t release a memory, a trauma, the body keeps score, I have felt it. 

Something changes when you love someone fully—in their messy, human entirety—not as you want them to be. Putting all your chips in. You look in the mirror and you see a reflection of yourself, what could have been under different circumstances. 

I don’t know if twin flames are real, but Chip was a real love of mine. We could talk for hours, play music, and talk about life. Fuck I miss him. I feel entitled to see him grow old, but this is not mine, and I have to let it go.

The House of Science was a fun time in my life. My sophomore year where my rag-tag group of freshman year hallmates got the chance to live together. Everyone came back from the summer rejuvenated, and excited to experiment, as we passed through the crucible of adulthood. As we formed the people we wanted to be amongst the chaos of college, culture, and change. 

Chip was in love with the beatnik era, mid-century Americana, Jack Kerouac, and the symbol of diners as a sacred space, the way America used to be. I felt the same way. Things are changing, people are in a rush, and well made eggs for breakfast is a celebration of life. With this, Chip had a love of colorful phrases and sunny-side up eggs his latest target though he had never had them. 

I was fresh off a summer working at a deli, and he wanted me to make them for him. I accepted but I hadn’t thought it through, we didn’t actually make sunny-side up eggs at the deli, I was inexperienced. For those who don’t know, a true sunny-side up egg is never flipped—one side never touches the grill., and thus it can be a health risk if the whites are never cooked. It is a romantic thing that has since gone out of vogue. 

But I didn’t have the heart to tell him, I chickened out and lost the significance, I thought he wanted breakfast and so I made him over easy eggs. I think he ate and enjoyed them, I hardly remember the meal—just the aftermath. He felt lied to. I didn’t get the big deal. I am a pragmatic man, feelings were rarely the top priority in my household growing up, it was about moving forward.

Over easy eggs are simpler, easier, safer. But Chip didn’t want safety. He wanted something romantic. Something open to the sky. Maybe sunny side up is just a beautiful way to live life—with the yolk exposed, the center soft, nothing hidden.